If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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