I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
