dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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