oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
