I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
