Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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