Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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