In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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