my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
