I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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