She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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