I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
