I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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