I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
