Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
