giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
