i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
