just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
