You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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