i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
