the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
the day after is always just damage control
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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