I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
