My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
