12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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