so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
