I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
