Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
