Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She said her name was "party"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
