Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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