If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
