I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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