4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
