I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize