im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
