so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
