well I can't set my house on fire every night
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
