Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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