I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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