My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize