that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
