If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
