I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
