1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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