omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
