so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
