u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
