He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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