The maid of honor just puked.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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