Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
