sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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