I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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