I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
