put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
