Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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