You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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