I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You smell like stripper and shame
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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