youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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